...do it right.

It's been a while since I've posted something...but that doesn't mean I haven't had anything to talk about (lol!)  Tonight, however, I felt the need to share something that was much needed for me.

I went to dinner with one of my business partners, who is almost twice my age, and our conversation was heaven sent.  As with all things that are divinely ordered, I have no idea how we got on the subject of relationships and marital statuses- but we did.  I was talking about how I'm single, and how I'm comfortable being where I am rather than being uncomfortable and rushing into something that's not going to last.  As he complimented my personality and my comfort of being in my own skin, he told me...don't rush.  Yeah, we hear this all the time from people who are close to us, but for someone I have never had a non-business conversation with I opened my ears a little differently.  He proceeded to tell me how he's experienced both a bad marriage and a great marriage (to his wife now), and then started to go into a little more detail about his previous marriage to a woman he thought he loved....and it went a little something like this:

"Lydia, she was one of the most beautiful girls in town and everybody liked her.  I felt lucky to have her.  As soon as we started dating, it was almost as if everyone close to us started dating, and we all just got close and used to being around one another.  As time passed, I asked her to marry me...and then I called off the wedding the first time.  I knew I didn't love her, but I didn't want to hurt her...and I didn't want to go against what seemed and looked right- after all I was with her for a long time.  Anyway, we ended up getting married and on that day I remember feeling so bad because my mom and dad were in the back of the church crying...my mom knew I was making a big mistake.  I just didn't have the balls as a young man to stand up for myself and follow the matters of my heart.  After we got married, things didn't get better of course...it was like, if we weren't married we wouldn't have even been hanging out because we didn't share any of the same interests.  If there's anything I would have done differently back then, it would have been to do things the right way...and not the way that looked good, or a way that would simply not hurt someone else's feelings whether or not it meant to sacrifice my own.  I look back and hate that I truly wasted 9.5 years of my life....."

Being in my late 20's on the brink of 30...and being single...this further reminded me why I'm so patient and not eager to be in a relationship or to be married.  Don't get me wrong, these are things that I would love to have...but, all too often I personally witness people in relationships that are not fulfilling and that they are not 100% happy in. As my business partner was telling me his story tonight I envisioned so many other faces on his, telling me the same story 10 years from now.  Why be in a relationship if it's not fulfilling?  That doesn't even make sense.....but what does make sense is that a relationship is held onto for sake of upsetting the other person, or maybe the children that are involved, or maybe because of the fear of releasing something that's become comfortable.  When my business partner was finally able to let go of what he knew wasn't right for him, he was then truly blessed with a woman that he said he cannot see him living his life without.  

A little while back, another guy I know told me "I mean, the goal is to be happy forever right?......maybe I'm too good hearted of a person to [leave]."  

While I wanted to call bullshit, I didn't.  This is the problem though...everyone is chasing the dream of "being happy forever", but what they fail to realize is that happiness is a temporary emotion- one that can easily be taken away and given back.  Also, too good hearted?  No my friend, if you're good hearted you would do yourself and the other person "good" (no pun intended!) by leaving the situation and moving on in life and in love before you end up so unhappy to the point where you're cheating, and/or they're cheating...unless that's already happening which in any case, you really shouldn't be in a relationship anyway.  That's a story for a whole different post though...*sips tea*

 Joy....that's what we need to be after.  Unlike happiness, joy is everlasting...it's not easily taken away, and it's not easily replaced.  That's what my business partner has achieved...and it's such an awesome thing!  We need to stop sacrificing what it is we want and know we deserve, and settling for mediocrity.  Once you settle for something less than what you deserve, you end up getting much less than what it is you actually settled for.  If there's any lesson we learn from our elders let this be it...do things the right way from the beginning.  Love for the right reasons, and give yourself to the right person.

Yeah yeah yeah, this is coming from a single girl and you're probably like "Bye Felicia"!  In my defense, I would rather be the joyous single girl awaiting her king, than be the taken person who is in the wrong relationship with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

Deception

Dear Man,

My name is Deception.  I lie below Truth and Loyalty, at the points of lies and misdirection.  I love to make others feel confused and self-inflicted- When in reality , everything they feel is nothing short of real and conflicted.  I make women feel as though they are emotional- Yet I disguise myself in lies, making myself appear more in-disposable.  I know there comes a time when a woman figures me out-  But I've built such a good story, I don't believe there should be any doubt.  I continue to build stories that I think build my credibility and character-  Thinking that I'm the best she's ever had and there can't be another parameter.  There will come a day when I'm challenged, and she will say she's done-  But don't worry Man, I will help you think of a rebuttal that compares to none.  I'll have her on her knees begging for you to keep her-  Making you feel like someone Satan himself couldn't even name after a better reaper.  You've now enveloped this woman in all your lies and me with deception-  To the point where you've blinded not only her love but her angelic perception.  Her perception not only of you, but of man in general-  She will never love again, with any ounce, any gram, or any mineral-  What's left inside her is dark, shallow, and cold-  She will never love a man again, as she grows old.  My name is Deception and I love the role I play-  As long as you play games, in your life I will stay.  I have no regard for feelings, looks, or love-  Because the evil I evoke amongst you all will always rise above.  I strive for bitterness, anger, and other types of bad posture-  For I know that with me, true love can never prosper.

Signed,
Deception

The Hike...

This past Valentine's Day (or singles awareness day as my fellow single people will refer to it as), I embarked on a hike that I didn't know would change my life, and my perception of myself.  While most people either sat and dreamed of having a valentine, or went out to eat with their valentine, or after receiving flowers from their valentine, or getting proposed to by their valentine, or etc (sorry, that's just my cliche v-day talk happening) I took upon myself a challenge that I didn't think I would be able to complete...Pardon my lengthy post in advanced, but hear me out...please...

When I started on the journey, I was full of energy and felt more ready than ever to conquer the task at hand...little did I know, that a little more than halfway through I would start questioning myself and thinking that I wouldn't be able to make it all the way to the end.  

Half way through the trail, I started to experience muscle fatigue- my legs were shaking at the thought of being still for more than a few seconds at a time...I kept whispering to myself "Push Lydia...Push."  There were several moments where I wanted to give up, and throw in the towel...but I continued on the path of completing the task at hand.  When the first peak was reached, and I saw the ocean hugging the horizon, along with the entrance to the San Francisco Bay, I was overcome with a simple amount of joy that's unable to be explained.  A smile stretched across my face, that even if I tried to explain it, the image that would cross your mind wouldn't be comparable to the one I was wearing. Moments like that one humble be knowing that God took his time wonderfully creating me, and placing me in this world of such huge beings (i.e. the ocean, mountains, vast lands, etc)!

6 miles into the hike, the beach (Stinson Beach) was in sight, and I felt an extra kick of adrenaline kick into play..."We're almost there Lydia....push!"  I found myself jogging at this point, after almost falling to defeat from exhaustion a few times, but I saw the end of the first part of the journey in sight and was overwhelmed with excitement that I had made it to my furthest point ever during a hike. At the end of the first 6.14 miles, I was greeted with a sign that read "Stinson Beach, 1/4 mile".  

I thought to myself "you've got to be kidding me!  The sign previously read 1.3 miles, and now here I am at 1/4 miles reading a sign that's telling me I have further to go."  Needless to say...I continued to trek on.  In this moment, I reminded myself of the battle that we continue to face with the enemy...when we are almost at a point of victory in our lives, he is there to place a thought in our heads that we are not at victory yet- that there is something else we must do to get there...with hopes that we will fall to defeat and ultimately into his hands.  Well, the enemy didn't obtain another victim yesterday...the beach was reached in great timing, and it granted the ultimate 45 minutes of relaxation that was much needed.  The feeling of kicking off my shoes, and laying down on the soft sand was so enriching...it was humbling in itself that I was okay with that versus laying down in a bed with soft covers and pillows, along with a blanket to cover me.

 I laid there and absorbed the sound of the families that surrounded me, along with the sound of the seagulls and the ocean which are nothing short of relaxing.  Next thing I knew...it was time to time to tie up my shoes and get back to my car- at the BEGINNING of the trail.

On the way back, I began to feel defeat much earlier on due to the heavy fatigue I was already feeling...physically and mentally.  Once the beach portion was completed, I stopped in my trek and had a revelation.  I realized that this hike I was on is VERY relevant to life...when you look back while hiking, you can see where you've come from, and you can reflect on what you felt along each point of the way that you can see........however, when you look ahead you can't see very far ahead as the trail makes curves and dips/climbs that don't allow you to see very far ahead.  

In life, we are always capable of seeing the past- at least the memorable parts of the journey where something significant has happened to us....BUT we are unable to see the future.  This hike reminded me that I need not to focus so much on my future, and what lies ahead for me...rather, I need to focus on my relationship with God and learn how to walk by faith and not by sight for HE is the one who is in charge of the things that I encounter and experience.  I can look at my past, and learn from my past...for example, I was able to look back at the trail and remind myself of the hardship or the doubt that I faced at a particular turn- in order to help me better prepare to face that battle again which may await in the near future.  I truly learned that the past is merely a learning tool...and it shouldn't be a judging tool.  All too often we judge people based on their past, and/or the things they have experienced.  My question is...."Why?"  A past is something that someone has experienced, and something that someone has learned from...it doesn't mean that it's who they are.  Just because I might have stopped for a ten minute break among my journey, does not mean that I'm a failure.  This lesson was very vital to me, as I know more than ever now to not judge a person's past, as their past is merely a reflection of what they have been through, what they have learned, and possibly what they choose not to revisit.  On the flip side, if that person is still practicing negative behaviors from their past that would raise some suspicion or doubt internally...but that's a different story.

The trek back was the biggest test of mental and physical toughness than I ever imagined I would ever face in my life...I had been way past the point of exhaustion, and knew that my mind would win the battle ultimately.  I had cramps in every lower joint, I had muscle pain in every lower body muscle, and my feet were throbbing beyond belief...but I trekked on as if I was not in any pain at all.  I even had the nerve to play music and dance along the path...At this point, I tested my mental toughness and learned that my mind has complete and total control over what I feel in my body.  When the first flight of steps was reached (knowing there were SEVERAL more to encounter) I almost allowed myself to feel defeated...I saw how people were struggling on the way up while I was on the way down as I shared encouraging words with them like "you got it!" or "way to go!", only to find myself needing the same words of encouragement as I embarked upward among them, only to not encounter many people walking downward who I wished would have shared the same words.  As I finished that climb, I was more exhausted than before (like I never thought would even be possible!) but after digging deep into my inner self, I found a motivation that I didn't even know existed.  Overall, I climbed over 750 steps on the 6.25 mile trek back...with that, I don't think anymore words are needed.

 

During the last mile, I found myself trekking the trail alone...as the sun was setting.  Now, I began to experience fear.  Prior to this day, I have been focused on living a fearless life as I learned to lean more on the Lord for guidance...and I didn't foresee this day being a test of what I've been learning.  I started off this last mile with an unexplained amount of strength and confidence...but half way through the uphill battle, I began to experience another level of exhaustion and ultimately....fear.  I paused for a second at a steep flight of steps, and gathered myself.  I found myself in prayer asking for strength...and help.  Once I got to the top of the steps, I then found myself seeking the extension to the trail I was on which I couldn't see...once I caught myself worrying, a couple that wasn't too far behind me called for me (I was walking among the road trying to find the connection to the trail...) and said, "It's this way, the car was blocking it!"  I instantly felt relief overcome me and I shouted a big huge "thank you!" to the couple, and followed them.  As I started to see more landmarks that I mentally noted, and knew that I was on the right trail back to my car, I felt another feeling of relief which was shortly followed by the last feeling of exhaustion that I didn't think I would be able to combat. 

When I reached my last flight of steps, before hitting the main road that I was parked on...I felt completely defeated.  My legs felt as if they couldn't take another step, my lungs felt as if they couldn't take another breath, and my mind felt as though it couldn't take one more ounce of pain.  I stood there for about 30 seconds and had a talk with myself which turned into a prayer to my heavenly Father...I won't go into detail, but know that an instant amount of energy overcame me that definitely didn't come from within my own body...I found myself climbing those steps as if I hadn't previously hiked 12 miles, and once I got to the end I stood there and cried.  I cried tears of joy, pain, and I truly feel like those tears are owed to God who helped me through that last push.  The energy that overcame me was not my own, but it's one that got me through that last battle that I didn't think I would win...

I say all of this to say, when you feel like you've reached your peak- an energy depleting point in your life- to keep trekking on, because the reward at the end of your pain and struggle is going to be nothing short of a self strengthening lesson you're meant to learn.  During the journey, look back and reflect on all you've been through and all that you've experienced along the way- not to weaken you, but to strengthen you for what lies ahead.  Don't worry about the things that await you in life, for they are unknown- rather lean on faith and not on your sight in order to allow yourself to receive the ultimate reward.  When you find yourself alone at any point of your journey, don't feel defeated because that's what the enemy wants...instead, lean harder and stronger onto the Lord and your steps/thoughts will be divinely guided, therefore bringing you to a victory you've never imagined possible.  

As our guest Pastor said today.....Be BOLD.  Be STRONG.  Be VICTORIOUS. 

I love you.

Lydia.